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Day 5 – Beaurocracy, new

•December 5, 2013 • Leave a Comment

dig deep

shuffle

list objective

what was that thing that I meant to

wait let me

ok

can’t you

no

alright

it was just

yes

that

i’m not

if i could just

i’m just going to

right

ok but

dig deep

shuffle

list objective

what was that thing that i meant to

 

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Day 4: My Scary Dramatic Goth Poem

•December 4, 2013 • 7 Comments

More writing from teenage me!

Oh, I am so dark!

Alone in the darkness that is dark.

And in this darkness, I think of you.

And how dark you are.

And how you owe me

Twelve dollars and fifty-six cents

Oh the pain and the agony of being alive!

And stubbing your toe

On the cat’s goddamn scratching post.

That dark cat.

And that dark scratching post of darkness.

Our love could have been eternal.

You know, if we were like…

Immortal or something.

And if you hadn’t run off

With that Latina school bus driver

And in my veins is darkness

And red blood cells, I think…

DARK red blood cells

Yes I renounce God for I am so dark.

And I hear you have to renounce God for this sort of thing.

Sorry, God. Fashion, what can I say?

Oh I am so filled with angst!

No wait…

Not angst.

Loaded spud potato chips.

Welbutrin – Day 3, new

•December 3, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Dear antidepressant-
Thank you for helping
Me feel
Less like killing myself
And more
Balanced
And aware of my
Surroundings
Thank you for this gift
Of unclouded
Thoughts
And

Fuck you
For taking my orgasms
For reducing my release
To muscle reaction
For allowing me physical
Build up
But no real climax
No rush
No flash
Just muscles
Clenching and twitching
My brain clenching and
Twitching to the frustration
To a mess not worth
Cleaning

Revulsion

•November 19, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I hate that I let you

touch me

Turning on the self-loathing
Under the pressure of
Your fingertips

Poison want
pooling
On my skin

I hate myself in my need
To need you;
Hate only liking myself
When I like you

The bitter corollary
Where your brain fuses
With mine

Jade

•November 18, 2013 • 7 Comments

The great disappointment of sex

of intercourse

of “love-making”

Leaves me staring at you with boredom

 

as you revel in your orgasm

afterglow

 

Good God I hate you right now

 

Here I lie

Wet and unfulfilled

Sore from the

 

Slam! Bang! Ugh!

 

of you

whoring me

•November 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment

My shadow, little magpie sister
announces her relation
to me
in every new meeting.

Vengeance II

•November 13, 2013 • 2 Comments

Vengeance, I Am A Cold Bitch (April, 2011)

My forgiveness makes him rage
I smile, the sweetest sadist
And I remember

Wrapped in the radiator towel
I shiver watching golden dust
Float through orange September 4pm
He’s breaking it to me carefully
“We’re better off as friends”
And my heart shatters

I grin now
Watching his ego squirm
Delighting in his unease
Taking my pound of flesh
From his very soul
To mend my damaged heart

This is happening to him now. He fell in love with someone completely toxic. I’ve not doused him in salt and lemon juice. I haven’t lit a bonfire and done my vindicated dance around it. I haven’t done these things because I know exactly how devastating it was when he did the same thing to me. I still don’t entirely blame him. I could. I let it all happen and I filtered him through myself but the honesty of it is that he was cruel. Maybe he didn’t entirely realize what he was doing but it was there. Blatant from the outside. Red. But even through all of it, I still loved him. He remained my best and sometimes only friend. Still. For a time I had to divorce him from my feelings. We’ll never be back to where we were but we are still strong. We are still halves of the whole.

Text to him, “So really I understand that even though you KNOW that he’s toxic, you still love him because somewhere in there is a part worthy of love and you badly want that piece- because you KNOW that everyone has that piece and you are the sort of person who will mine the fuck out of a person until you find it.” I dug and picked away at him, at us, until I found that piece again. And in spite of everything I’ll cherish that piece- as long as it exists in him, it exists in me as well. Little symbiont.

I took my meds today.

 
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