Day 8 – Trigger Warning

This didn’t go where I expected it to, but it went where I needed it to. It might be a good idea to skip this one.
Triggers: Rape, abuse, abandonment

There is a tiny version of myself that lives a vibrant if silent life inside my head.

Sometimes she’s a chibi. But she’s usually just a version of myself that lives in a photograph.

Pink plaid raincoat; black hair; blue rain boots.

Today we dove into the deeper levels to find a word.

We donned a pirate patch and a tiny wooden sword.

We stalked up and down a grey green deck looking for the phrase that would help us

Stay afloat.

It was a word for desperate abandonment.

It started as a game. We just wanted a funny word. Lagan, ligan, general average sacrifice.

It was jetsam or flotsam- and we giggled uncomfortably because The Little Mermaid moved us in a terrifying way. There was something tucked in the back of our eyes- something that said, “Ursula is being violated with the ship. Ursula is being raped to death and that is why she’s screaming. Ursula took Ariel’s voice so that she couldn’t tell the truth. And the truth is that they may not have believed her anyway. Sea witches and mermaids aren’t real things.” We had a scary childhood.

We try to stay away from these thoughts because they make the tiny version of me fade. So I pick myself up and hug myself into my chest. It’s ok. Because pirates.

I fold the idea and stick it in a pocket: Disney villains, villains in general hold something important. It’s not just some whim or pretentious antithesis that I’ve adopted. Something imprinted early on that made me feel inherently wrong and thus villains were easier to identify with.

Tiny me runs up and down the deck waving the wooden sword. We’re not going down because we’ve jettisoned the cargo! Fear not crew! It is lagan and we shall return for it!

We always return for it.


~ by emberyn on December 8, 2013.

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