Vengeance II

Vengeance, I Am A Cold Bitch (April, 2011)

My forgiveness makes him rage
I smile, the sweetest sadist
And I remember

Wrapped in the radiator towel
I shiver watching golden dust
Float through orange September 4pm
He’s breaking it to me carefully
“We’re better off as friends”
And my heart shatters

I grin now
Watching his ego squirm
Delighting in his unease
Taking my pound of flesh
From his very soul
To mend my damaged heart

This is happening to him now. He fell in love with someone completely toxic. I’ve not doused him in salt and lemon juice. I haven’t lit a bonfire and done my vindicated dance around it. I haven’t done these things because I know exactly how devastating it was when he did the same thing to me. I still don’t entirely blame him. I could. I let it all happen and I filtered him through myself but the honesty of it is that he was cruel. Maybe he didn’t entirely realize what he was doing but it was there. Blatant from the outside. Red. But even through all of it, I still loved him. He remained my best and sometimes only friend. Still. For a time I had to divorce him from my feelings. We’ll never be back to where we were but we are still strong. We are still halves of the whole.

Text to him, “So really I understand that even though you KNOW that he’s toxic, you still love him because somewhere in there is a part worthy of love and you badly want that piece- because you KNOW that everyone has that piece and you are the sort of person who will mine the fuck out of a person until you find it.” I dug and picked away at him, at us, until I found that piece again. And in spite of everything I’ll cherish that piece- as long as it exists in him, it exists in me as well. Little symbiont.

I took my meds today.

~ by emberyn on November 13, 2013.

2 Responses to “Vengeance II”

  1. To not respond cruelty with cruelty is often difficult, but shows special character. Have a wonderful day.

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